Date Rape

The following information focuses on individuals and does not look at violence in the context of wider social and political systems. For example, in our society females are socialised to believe that satisfying a man’s sexual urges is a woman’s responsibility. Until the issues of gendered power imbalances, the public/private split in social relations, and traditional values that offered men dominance and privilege over women are addressed, male/female relationship changes will be superficial and one-to-one.

Background information and facts

  • Young women aged 14 to 24 are the most rape endangered.
  • Information about date rape can give women strength and men empathy.
  • Over 50% of female teenage rape survivors are raped by a date.
  • Women are 4 times more likely to be raped by an acquaintance than a stranger.
  • Date rapes are “safe” survivors as they rarely report the rape.
  • Survivor blame is much greater with date rape than with stranger rape.
  • Police are often reluctant to lay charges of rape against a date acquaintance.
  • Juries are unwilling to convict on date rape.
  • New Zealand has yet to convict a date rapist.
  • Consenting to a kiss does not mean consenting to sexual intercourse.
  • Over 91% of Rape Crisis clients from 1993 to 1995 knew their attacker.

Causes of Date Rape

  • Ineffective communication
  • Lack of assertiveness
  • Peer pressure
  • Sex-role stereotyping and cultural messages
  • Low self-esteem

Women do not cause Date Rape: Date rapists do

Some things women can do to reduce risks:

  • Know you have the right to set sexual limits and to communicate those limits.
  • Be assertive, state what you really want and what you really feel.
  • Stay sober; your judgment is impaired and warning instincts blurred when you’re drunk or high.
  • Find out about a new date; perhaps double date with friends a few times to learn more about the guy in a safe way.
  • Remain in control; pay your own way, take your own car, meet the guy at your destination.
  • Take care of yourself; take a self-defence course before you need it.
  • Trust your feelings.
  • Students should take special precautions, especially if you’re a first year student unfamiliar with campus layout, student initiations etc.

Female Views

  • Many women view dates, especially the first few dates, as opportunities to socialise and get to know the man.
  • Many females are concerned that saying “No” will hurt their date’s feelings.
  • Many date rape survivors don’t believe that what happened was rape.
  • Teenagers often confuse control and jealousy with love.

Male Views

  • Teenagers often confuse control and jealousy with love.
  • Many men only ask a woman out after they’ve decided that they’d like to have sex with her.
  • Some (young and mature) men see forced sex as “masterful.”
  • Many men confuse “scoring” with being a successful lover.
  • Most date rapists do not see their actions as rape.
  • Most date rapists see the mingling of aggression and sexuality as normal.
  • Most date rapists have used alcohol or drugs beforehand.
  • Most date rapists have some feelings of pride after the assault.

Reasons why adolescents don’t tell families about Date Rape

  • To protect the family
  • Value conflicts
  • Desire to maintain independence
  • Lack of psychological distance
  • Lack of geographic distance

Danger! The wrong kind of man

Run—do not walk—from any man who displays any of these characteristics:

  • Emotionally abuses you (insults, belittling comments, acts sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea).
  • Tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, insists on picking the movie you’ll see etc.
  • Talks negatively about women in general.
  • Gets jealous when there’s no reason.
  • Drinks heavily, uses drugs, or tries to get you drunk.
  • Berates you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, have sex, or go with him to an isolated or personal place (his room, your flat etc.).
  • Refuses to let you share the cost of a date, gets angry when you offer to pay.
  • Is physically violent to you or others, even “just” grabbing and pushing to get his way.
  • Acts in an intimidating way towards you (sits too close, uses his body to block your way, speaks as if he knows you much better than he does, touches you when you tell him not to).
  • Is unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry.
  • Doesn’t view you as an equal because he’s older or sees himself as smarter or socially superior.
  • Has a fascination with weapons.
  • Enjoys being cruel to animals, children or people he can bully.